Thursday, July 29, 2010

Frank Sinatra - From Both Sides Now

Bows and flows of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air,
And feather canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
they rain and snow on everyone,
So many things I would have done,
but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
from up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way you feel,
As every fairy tale comes real,
I've looked at love that way,
But now it's just another show,
you leave 'em laughin when you go,
And if you care don't let them know,
don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall,
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
to say, "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say I've changed,
but something's lost but something's gained in living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now,
from win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall,
I really don't know life at all

Saturday, July 17, 2010

five stages of grief

When you're in lowest point, feel the deepest grief, most people said "everything's gonna be alright", "be patient", "stop crying like a baby cause the damage been done" or some sh*t like that. Maybe... they just try to make you feel better, to strengthen you, but they don't know that in feeling grief, we must through five stages.

1. Denial

it's kind of self-defense when you face something unpleasant. You will say to your family, friends or even yourself that "this is not happening", surely there is no acceptance on this stage. You just deny the grief or loss, you may feel nothing. It could last for a moment, or longer.

Just like when you hear the news of the sudden death of your loved one. You will say "it can't be", "this is not happening, we've just met a second ago"

2. Anger

It happens when you realize that the denial can not continue. When you know that this IS happening to YOU. And in this stage, you start to try to find something to blame. And also you feel this is not fair because happen to you. Or sometimes you will blame yourself for letting this happen or take place.

You will say these words "I should bla bla bla", "I could make it not happen if only bla bla bla"
you will love the word of "if only"

3. Bargaining
You know that something will happen, but you start to bargain. You want to postpone the grief of something, you try to minimize it. You will ask God to stop anything that happen or will happen.

Just like when you know you will die, you will bargain to God "please don't let me die at least until my children graduate, or my children settle and married".

Or in love relationship "Hope him not dump me until I graduate, so I could focus on my thesis" or when you want to dump someone "I will dump him/her when I know everything's gonna be okay"

One thing that you should know, time won't wait. It still flows and there's nothing that you can do about it. Stop bargaining, just do what you gotta do

4. Depression

I guess this is the lowest point of grief. When you stop to blame everything, when you stop to deny, don't have any strength to bargain, you just want to vanish into the air. When you start to love yourself not. When you start to think "I'm so sad, there is no one that care about me, so why should I?"

This is the stage when you feel numb even the sadness and madness remains underneath. You just feel lack of hope, you hope for nothing, you just want it's over, sooner or really sooner.

5. Acceptance

This is the last stage of grief, and sometimes people can not reach this stage. They will trapped in depression stage. This is when you take the loss as reality that you can not avoid, that the loss is not the fault of someone, it just happens just like the way it's supposed to happen. This is your lifeline.

When you know that this is such a pain in the a**, but this is your lifeline. And you know that you could get through this, that you know that you could and would move forward.

Well the reason why I write it, it's because of grief that I must get through right now. I already pass the denial, anger and bargaining stage. And I don't know if I'm still in depression or already pass it and move to acceptance stage. But when I read and write the explanation of depression stage, I guess I'm still there. I feel numb, lack of hope, waiting for the gulliotine to cut my head off.

Shit, I thought I'm tough enough to pass this stage, but now, I realize that I'm still trapped in this f**king stage.

This is such a requiem in adagio
You know the melody is hurting,
but you still listen to it
even it's killing you softly

loving you is such a requiem in adagio
it's surely beautiful yet hurting
you can't take the pain and hurt
but you can't resist the beauty of its melody

Monday, July 5, 2010

this how's life supposed to be

All of the happiness you seek,
All of the joy which you pray
is closer than you think
It's just a hundred tears away

(Vonda Shepard, 100 tears away)

Bet you have heard or read this quote, "there is no rainbow without a little rain" or "Without the rain, there would be no rainbow" which could be translated that you can't have a happiness without sadness. But is it true? Is it how life's supposed to be? Couldn't we just find our happiness without get through the sadness first?

There is no rainbow without a little rain? Haha, you fool, I already capture a rainbow without a little rain! It wasn't raining (at least not yet), and actually the sun is not that dark, I just made it looks darker to dramatize this photo :-P

But actually, the sky is blue!

I captured it on the way back home, when I was in public transportation, using my BB's camera which not really good actually, but I capture it.

Well actually, you do NOT need sun and rain to make its color appears, you just need sun and MOIST. Yes moist, it could be from rain, mist or dew. Why don't we just have mist and dew to see rainbow? We don't need get through the rain to see the rainbow.

Having a rainbow without a little rain, this how's life supposed to be!