Saturday, July 17, 2010

five stages of grief

When you're in lowest point, feel the deepest grief, most people said "everything's gonna be alright", "be patient", "stop crying like a baby cause the damage been done" or some sh*t like that. Maybe... they just try to make you feel better, to strengthen you, but they don't know that in feeling grief, we must through five stages.

1. Denial

it's kind of self-defense when you face something unpleasant. You will say to your family, friends or even yourself that "this is not happening", surely there is no acceptance on this stage. You just deny the grief or loss, you may feel nothing. It could last for a moment, or longer.

Just like when you hear the news of the sudden death of your loved one. You will say "it can't be", "this is not happening, we've just met a second ago"

2. Anger

It happens when you realize that the denial can not continue. When you know that this IS happening to YOU. And in this stage, you start to try to find something to blame. And also you feel this is not fair because happen to you. Or sometimes you will blame yourself for letting this happen or take place.

You will say these words "I should bla bla bla", "I could make it not happen if only bla bla bla"
you will love the word of "if only"

3. Bargaining
You know that something will happen, but you start to bargain. You want to postpone the grief of something, you try to minimize it. You will ask God to stop anything that happen or will happen.

Just like when you know you will die, you will bargain to God "please don't let me die at least until my children graduate, or my children settle and married".

Or in love relationship "Hope him not dump me until I graduate, so I could focus on my thesis" or when you want to dump someone "I will dump him/her when I know everything's gonna be okay"

One thing that you should know, time won't wait. It still flows and there's nothing that you can do about it. Stop bargaining, just do what you gotta do

4. Depression

I guess this is the lowest point of grief. When you stop to blame everything, when you stop to deny, don't have any strength to bargain, you just want to vanish into the air. When you start to love yourself not. When you start to think "I'm so sad, there is no one that care about me, so why should I?"

This is the stage when you feel numb even the sadness and madness remains underneath. You just feel lack of hope, you hope for nothing, you just want it's over, sooner or really sooner.

5. Acceptance

This is the last stage of grief, and sometimes people can not reach this stage. They will trapped in depression stage. This is when you take the loss as reality that you can not avoid, that the loss is not the fault of someone, it just happens just like the way it's supposed to happen. This is your lifeline.

When you know that this is such a pain in the a**, but this is your lifeline. And you know that you could get through this, that you know that you could and would move forward.

Well the reason why I write it, it's because of grief that I must get through right now. I already pass the denial, anger and bargaining stage. And I don't know if I'm still in depression or already pass it and move to acceptance stage. But when I read and write the explanation of depression stage, I guess I'm still there. I feel numb, lack of hope, waiting for the gulliotine to cut my head off.

Shit, I thought I'm tough enough to pass this stage, but now, I realize that I'm still trapped in this f**king stage.

This is such a requiem in adagio
You know the melody is hurting,
but you still listen to it
even it's killing you softly

loving you is such a requiem in adagio
it's surely beautiful yet hurting
you can't take the pain and hurt
but you can't resist the beauty of its melody

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