Silent shining night

Last night I went to Shining Light’s home. Well for those who don’t know who Shining Light is, he was the love of my life, my life partner. Well in other cheesy and trashy word, he was my ex boyfriend. Ah, how I hate the word of boyfriend. It sounds so cheap as hell. “Dia cowok gue”, “Dia pacar gue”. I hate saying those words.

That’s why I prefer “Lover” to “Boyfriend”.

Okay anyway… Seeing him again right now, just reminds me how much I loved him, how much he meant to me, how much he changed my life, how he rocked my days. Well I’m not bragging here, but really, he changes me, a lot.

I was such a bitch. A fucking bitch. It doesn’t mean that I love walking around naked or wearing sexy clothes, or fuck any guys I met or something like that. I just love to judge people, such as: clubbers are brainless, alcohol just for butthead, and many shitty thoughts like that. But he widened my point of view, made me think that some things that I don’t like are not bad, not always bad. People do bad things because of their reasons, maybe it’s not right, but they have the reasons that we barely even know.

It’s true that we broke up, we separated, and we are not an item anymore. He’s not my life partner anymore, but he always is my Shining Light.

When we were at the car, listened to Brandon Flowers’ song, I thought I would apologize, said sorry for being such a jerk for a very long time. But until we arrived at my home, and he was about to go, I have no courage, I have no gut at all to say sorry. Haha, am I gonna be pathetic for the rest of my life?

At the end of that pretty and silent night, he said “Terima kasih buat semuanya, dan maaf buat semuanya,”

And I just could reply, “Maaf juga untuk semuanya,”

Damn, why on earth he always knows what words I want to hear and what I want to say? He said that he knows what I'm made of. Hmm, maybe it's true...

I can’t say thank you to you Shining Light, but I will someday when we meet again.

Thank you for all the shining lights given to me.

Look back in silence
The cradle of your whole life
There in the distance
Losing its greatest pride
Nothing is easy, nothing is sacred, why?
Where did the bow break?
It happened before your time

And there were people there
Lovely as you'd ever care
Tonight, baby, you can start again
Laughing in the open air
Have yourself another dream
Tonight, baby, we can start again

Only the young can break away, break away
Lost when the wind blows, on your own
Only the young can break away, break away
Lost when the wind blows, on your own

(Brandon Flowers, Only the Young)

meracau ngalor ngidul

Ah damn, still awake until now, in the middle of the night. Is it because I overslept today? I woke up at 3 pm today, muahahahaha... Does hypersomnia count as weakness? But for me it's a bliss in disguise, really, I mean it. I do mean it. Nice could fall asleep for hours, very long hours and wake up and feel numb.

Setelah berbulan2 gw gak pernah buka YM dan buka imel yahoo, akhirnya selama beberapa minggu terakhir gw mulai aktip dan eksis di dunia maya. Kenapa? Gak kenapa2 sih, gak kangen atau gimana juga, just wondering what's happening out there in cyber world. Dan banyak yang pada nyapa "tumben onlen". Yang selalu gw jawab "Kagak, onlen mulu koq gua". Dan jelas2 itu tipu. Gak tau kenapa, tapi males aja gw jelasin kenapa dulu gw males onlen, dan kenapa sekarang gw onlen. It's none of their business, at all...

Ada kejadian yang gak enak minggu ini, yang bikin gw pengen teriak "uasu tenan sampeyaaaaaan", tapi ada beberapa kejadian bagus juga, seperti ketemu cowok super manis di bis patas enam yang desek2an, dibeliin sate ayam sama bapak pas gw lagi ngidam banget, dan tadi gw makan satu batang coklat cadbury dairy milk buat perbaikin mood yang sempet rusak. Ngemut2 coklat itu sambil bengong emang enak abis. Rasa manisnya tuh kyaq kalemin otak...

Gak rusak2 banget sih mood gw, cuma rusak banget! Tapi belum segitunya, I've been through the worse one, and I know I could get through this one. Screw you, suckers!

In the end, after all you've been through, you'll realize what you need is someone who give you comfort. I need my comfort zone, I need something that soothing and comforting and calming at the same time. Where is it, what is it, where is it, what is it?

It's tiring, exhausting, knowing that everything could fall to pieces, could vanish in a blink of the eyes, knowing that we can not depend on something (I know we could only depend on God, but I want something that my eyes could see, my skin could touch, my ears could listen, not just my heart could feel or my faith could believe).

*nulis postingan sambil ditemenin lagunya Raul Midon yang keep on hoping.
(bagus banget dah nih lagu, kagak pernah bosen menghantui gw dari dulu. mas Midon, mas Mraz, tolong dong kalo bikin lagu jangan kyaq gini amat, miris tau dengernya. Walaupun nada sok2 diceriain, tapi tetep lirik menyayat, syehhhh...)

Need pause button, not rewind nor fast forward nor stop. Just pause. Pause pause pause pause pause pause pause

Determinasi si Panda

Di kantor gw, walaupun bukan di departemen gw sendiri, gw dipanggil Panda. Yeah panda. Panda si beruang hitam putih. Gw gak ngerti kenapa gw dibilang mirip panda, bulet? Saya kan gak bulet *siul2 sumbang.

Tapi sekarang gw tau persamaan gw sama panda. Kami memiliki determinasi kuat. Yeah right, hell yeah baby, determination is our similarity. Sebenernya panda itu hewan karnivora. Tapi dia makan bambu. Kenapa? Simply because they like bamboo. As simple like that. We both love simplicity for sure.

Dan karena pada kodratnya si panda itu hewan karnivora yang memaksakan makan bambu, akhirnya dia sering mengalami masalah pencernaan. Dan untuk melengkapi nutrisinya dia tetap dikasih telur, daging dan biskuit formula. Dan tubuhnya sendiri mengalami evolusi, karena akhirnya di telapak tangannya mulai terlihat seperti bakal jari baru. Dan diduga bakal jari itu tumbuh untuk membuat si panda lebih mudah dalam mengambil bambu.

Tuh kan, determination could change everything. God will be touched by our determination, right?

Go panda go!!!

in the name of love and motherhood not heaven

Okay,it's not a secret anymore that I hate people who do things and expect to go to heaven. I mean, where's the sincere they always talk about? "Kita harus ikhlas", "Kalau mau ibadahnya diterima harus ikhlas". Ikhlas darimane kalo nyepet2 surga muluuuuu???

Dimulai dari seorang teman yang menyuruh gw baca blog temennya. Yang sebenernya males banget gw lakukan, karena setiap gw baca blognya pasti gw nemu aja pembahasan dia yang bikin gw bete atau males. Tapi karena kemarin gw lagi bener2 gak ada kerjaan. Berita di kompas dan detik lagi gak oke, komik lagi gak ada yang baru, akhirnya gw bukalah blog temennya temen gw itu, dan jeng jeng jeng...

Dia ngomongin pahala2 dan janji2 Allah SWT kepada seorang ibu yang menyusui, hamil dsb. Tiap tetesan ASI itu pahalanya apa, trs pahala istri yang buatin masakan buat suami apa, pahala istri yang mencucikan pakaian suami pahalanya apa, dsb. Trus dia pake nulis, "kata siapa wanita gak dimuliakan oleh Allah"

Cuih pret, bisa aja ngomong. Kalau nanti suaminya selingkuh, dia juga bakal misuh2 dan gak bakal inget sama pahala2 itu, tetep nangis2 juga, banyak lagaaaaaak....

Coba deh tanya sama ibu kalian masing2, apakah mereka pernah perhitungan sama pahala pas ngurusin kalian? Pasti nggak kan, pasti udah reflek aja ngurusin keluarga, udah reflek bangun lebih pagi, siapin sarapan, bebenah rumah, dll. Mana kepikiran tiap tetep ASInya bernilai berapa di mata Tuhan, mana kepikiran pahala nyuciin baju suami dan anak2nya berapa, mana kepikiran? They do it just because they love their family. That's it, as simple like that.

Gw yakin nyokap gw gak mikirin apa2, pas ngalah ngasih lauk yang gw dan abang gw suka banget kecuali supaya anaknya makan lebih banyak, biar lebih sehat. Gw yakin nyokap gw gak mikirin apa2 pas harus bangun pagi buat nganterin gw sekolah dan nganter jemput gw pas les pas keluarga gw gak punya supir lagi kecuali cara aman anaknya nyampe sekolah. Gw yakin nyokap gw gak mikir apa2, pas dia hamil selain pengen anaknya lahir dengan selamat dan sehat. Gw yakin nyokap gw gak mikirin apa2 pas nyuci baju bokap, gw dan abang gw selain misuh2 "koq bisa kotor banget gini?". Gw yakin nyokap gw gak mikirin apa2, pas nyiapin makan buat keluarganya selain harus sesuai dengan anggaran yang dikasih bokap gw, harus sehat, dan enak.

Hey kamu, yang perhitungan sama Tuhan, harusnya kamu malu sama ibu kamu sendiri, dan seluruh ibu diseluruh dunia...

Eat that, suckers!