Silent shining night

Last night I went to Shining Light’s home. Well for those who don’t know who Shining Light is, he was the love of my life, my life partner. Well in other cheesy and trashy word, he was my ex boyfriend. Ah, how I hate the word of boyfriend. It sounds so cheap as hell. “Dia cowok gue”, “Dia pacar gue”. I hate saying those words.

That’s why I prefer “Lover” to “Boyfriend”.

Okay anyway… Seeing him again right now, just reminds me how much I loved him, how much he meant to me, how much he changed my life, how he rocked my days. Well I’m not bragging here, but really, he changes me, a lot.

I was such a bitch. A fucking bitch. It doesn’t mean that I love walking around naked or wearing sexy clothes, or fuck any guys I met or something like that. I just love to judge people, such as: clubbers are brainless, alcohol just for butthead, and many shitty thoughts like that. But he widened my point of view, made me think that some things that I don’t like are not bad, not always bad. People do bad things because of their reasons, maybe it’s not right, but they have the reasons that we barely even know.

It’s true that we broke up, we separated, and we are not an item anymore. He’s not my life partner anymore, but he always is my Shining Light.

When we were at the car, listened to Brandon Flowers’ song, I thought I would apologize, said sorry for being such a jerk for a very long time. But until we arrived at my home, and he was about to go, I have no courage, I have no gut at all to say sorry. Haha, am I gonna be pathetic for the rest of my life?

At the end of that pretty and silent night, he said “Terima kasih buat semuanya, dan maaf buat semuanya,”

And I just could reply, “Maaf juga untuk semuanya,”

Damn, why on earth he always knows what words I want to hear and what I want to say? He said that he knows what I'm made of. Hmm, maybe it's true...

I can’t say thank you to you Shining Light, but I will someday when we meet again.

Thank you for all the shining lights given to me.

Look back in silence
The cradle of your whole life
There in the distance
Losing its greatest pride
Nothing is easy, nothing is sacred, why?
Where did the bow break?
It happened before your time

And there were people there
Lovely as you'd ever care
Tonight, baby, you can start again
Laughing in the open air
Have yourself another dream
Tonight, baby, we can start again

Only the young can break away, break away
Lost when the wind blows, on your own
Only the young can break away, break away
Lost when the wind blows, on your own

(Brandon Flowers, Only the Young)